go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
