I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
