whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
