Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
