so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Congratulations! We have a period
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
