Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
