I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
