I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
