I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
