if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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