is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
