I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
