Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
