remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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