Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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