Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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