I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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