i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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