if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
