the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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