i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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