I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
