Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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