god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
