I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
