It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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