FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
