last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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