You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
