If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
