I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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