Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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