please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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