You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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