one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
