I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
