Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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