That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
