If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
