he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
