Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
