Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
