I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
