HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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