I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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