i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
