Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
