Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
