yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Less talking, more tequila
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
