Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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