Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
