Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
