i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Barsexuality is the new black.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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