I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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