I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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