I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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