thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
