Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
