sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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