I accidentally burped into my bong.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
