quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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