my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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