hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize