I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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