I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
foreskin is a definite game changer
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
