I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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