He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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