he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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