i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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