I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
