i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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