Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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