my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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