he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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