My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
