Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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