There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's no shave November. This is our time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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